Anal

Now there’s a subject that’s got your attention!! But no, I’m not talking about the sex. On that subject, one of my work mates recently regaled us with the story of her aunt, announcing to her, her mother and several other uncomfortably close relatives for this topic, that she’s never had anal sex on purpose, only by accident!! WTF?? It’s left us all with so many unanswered questions…

Anyway, back to the actual topic at hand: I wouldn’t describe myself as a particularly anally retentive type.  Yes, the books on the book case are arranged according to the colour of their spine and yes, my partner often tells me not to inflict my cleaning disease onto him, but really, you only need to look at the state of my desk at work or my house on any given day to know I’m really not meticulous.

However, every day this week when I’ve made the bed, I have cursed the cleaners – how hard is it to put matching pillowcases on our bed??  Seriously. I buy them in pairs. Every one has a partner. They’re all in the cupboard. It cannot be that hard!!! Yes, all the linen is white (is that anal?) but the pillowcases have varying textures and definite pairs. A small thing perhaps, but important to me.

Am I being unreasonable??

Birth Order of Children

You may have seen this email that did the rounds a couple of years back, but it still makes me laugh because it's so true. I was reminded of it recently when the five year old was not being her best and my son declared in exasperation in front of a crowd of gathered friend:
"Why is she so undisciplined?!"

I felt the answer lay in here:

The Pregnancy:


1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN 
confirms your pregnancy.


2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.


3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.



Preparing for the Birth: 

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.


2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
 breathing didn't do a thing.


3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.



The Layette:



1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them,
 and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.


2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and 
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.


3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?



Worries:



1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you 
pick up the baby.


2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
 firstborn.


3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
 mechanical swing.



Pacifier:



1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
 you can go home and wash and boil it.


2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off
 with some juice from the baby's bottle.


3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.



Nappies:



1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they
 need it or not.


2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if
 needed.


3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to
 complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.



Activities:



1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and 
Baby Story Hour.


2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.


3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.



Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
 call home five times.


2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave 
a number where you can be reached.


3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
 sees blood.



At Home:



1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the 
baby.


2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your 
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.


3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
 children.



Swallowing a Coin:



1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to
the hospital and demand x-rays.


2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch 
for the coin to pass.


3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
 allowance!

Can you think of others? MWWx

Things in my life requiring serious attention

In the past 9 months, we have had a lovely time holidaying in Malaysia (Penang & Borneo), Dubai and Jordan at Christmas and most recently, Africa. But now I really feel like I’m in a period of consolidation and here’s the tragic list of things that require my attention:

·      My weight. I’ve been off dairy for a week and desperately missing my two lattes a day but a friend reckons 3 weeks of that and I should lose 4 kilos. It's gone well beyond extremely high shoes. I’ve always got a ‘good’ 5 that needs to go, so stay tuned.

·      My finances. Man, I need to save some money! We’re planning on doing the American Road Trip (A.R.T.) next September and I’d also like to get on with some renovation at home. But between school fees, holidays, braces, lovely dinners out at fine restaurants, the hired help – it’s not easy. But it does remind me why I work.

·      My house. Or should I say clutter? It’s driving me crazy! And further to the above point, if I use the stuff in the pantry, the laundry, the bathroom and stop buying stuff, it could be a win-win.

·      My email. I have more than 2,640 emails in my inbox and a mere 2,100 in sent mail (I did have a crack at that one recently). No wonder my computer’s having a break down.

·      My baby. She’s been at school a term and her reading is well – frankly – crap! I really need to work on that. Nor can she ride a bike for that matter. She’s getting better but just need some focus!

Do you have periods when you feel the need to get your life in order? Feel free to comment and not make me feel like a freak!

Mother's Day

Yes, yes, I’m well late on this one, but I was inspired by my friend, Mother Of A Man-Child and her recent post on the subject.

It started on the Friday night when the youngest, flapping our worn copy of the school cookbook behind her back, yelled ‘Don’t look Mum! This is what you’re getting for Mother’s Day and you’ve already got one.” Hmmm. Surprise blown there.

The Saturday night before, we had people over for dinner and had far too much fun (and okay, perhaps a tad too much wine as well!). As I waved them off in taxis, I glanced at my watch and noticed with surprise it was a quarter to three! So really, all I wanted for Mother’s Day was to stay asleep until it was time to head out for Yum Cha with the in-laws. No such luck. I dragged my sorry arse up to face about 28 residual wine glasses, an unexpectedly mild hangover and some lovely gifts!

From the little one I got – surprise, surprise – a new copy of the school cookbook! (My reaction was suitably convincing.)  From the next one, I got an amazing red shoe – made of chocolate! Check it out.

It really is all chocolate!!!!

And from my gorgeous boy, who knows how much I don’t love driving a van with sliding doors, a picture he painted of my dream vehicle – a Smart Car. What a guy!

Irony

I did find it rather ironic that my Thursday night post, Frikin' Computer was held up and in some cases, lost by Blogger. Some of my friends accused me of using too much 'language' and that had caused the problem. I did wonder myself - just for a minute. I've been online long enough to know that was highly unlikely, but it wasn't helped when I was sent a screen grab to say Mother Who Works couldn't be found and probably didn't exist. A few people sent comments via email too -so please do persist!

Then yesterday, unbeknown to me,  Blogger shot out a random post from January and today flicked out Frikin' Computer again. Wow. And I thought I had computer problems....

So sorry for clogging up your in-box and hopefully things are now back on track.

Frikin' Computer!

We all know that despite my protests, I am TecNO-T. I love technology when it works, but when it doesn’t, that obsession fast turns to fucking HATE!!!!

It’s now 10:19pm and I’m at my desk. I have just finished re-writing a Power Point presentation for 9am tomorrow morning and it’s not because I’m disorganized. I actually had the fucker all ready to go with half an hour before I needed to leave for parent/teacher interviews. All I had to do to polish it off was drop in a few logos.

I spent some of yesterday and a chunk of today drawing together the preso from proposals from magazine stables, the media agencies documents and costings, the promotional departments ideas, a publishers costing and thoughts and crunched endless sales data. I’ve driven the team mad with constant questioning like what they think the redemption rate might be, the uptake, the incremental volume, and what of that will be derived from our existing customers and what from competitors. I’d loaded in about 30 visuals and format most of it. It was looking pretty good. That’s right, WAS!!!

I opened a big, old presentation to find a logo and the wheel of death appeared. And I lost the whole fucking lot!!!!! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!

I.T., bless, were up here in a minute, desperately trawling my machine for a recovered file, Googling to see if any stone had been unturned, but it was becoming painfully apparently it had gone.

So I went to parent/teacher (she’s doing well, thank you...) and then came back to work like the loser I am to redo that frickin’ presentation……

Mother Who Works: The Wedding

Mother Who Works: The Wedding: "Sorry, but it had to be done! And yes, it’s kind of old news now but there’s still a comment or two I feel I need to make. I went up the r..."

The Wedding

Sorry, but it had to be done! And yes, it’s kind of old news now but there’s still a comment or two I feel I need to make.

I went up the road with one of my girls to the netball coach’s house to watch it, sip champagne and wear a tiara. I think the one thing I couldn’t get over was Princess Beatrice’s hat! Seriously, it looked like some sort of mangled ampersand. There’s been loads of Facebook chat about it and look at these pics that dropped into my inbox on Thursday:

A cat in a hat??

A Royal Flush??

Enough to give anyone nightmares......

I actually though Eugenie was texting at one point - and who could blame her? It did drag on a bit....

As a Harry Potter fan, this is my personal favourite.

One of the mums at our gathering commented that Elton John looked like he was wearing a corset. I pointed out he has just had a baby.

Another girlfriend in London pointed out these T-shirts that are apparently available everywhere – cute! Reminded me that when Melbourne won the Formula One from Adelaide about 10 years ago, they were selling T-shirts on the streets of the losing city that screamed 'Die Victorian Scum!' Nice.

So, give me your spin on the wedding and take the poll below:

Sangoma Videos

I was clear fascinated with the Sangoma, (or Healing Lady), in Zululand.

Here are some videos. The first in the Sangoma herself, with apprentices on the left. Turn up the volume to get the total effect. They're really getting in 'the zone'! And no, I'm pretty sure there were no recreational pharmaceuticals involved.

And here's our son getting his feet washed. He can't walk, so they got him a plastic chair -  the only seat in the house. The Sangoma indicated to the apprentices to carry the tub over to make sure his feet were washed too.

 And finally, here are the girls and me, balancing precariously as we get our feet carefully bathed.

Africa: Thrill seeking - and finding

My brother took his kids to Disney World for the Easter holidays, but really, how scary is Magic Mountain compared to being charged by a black rhino?

The thrills in Africa can catch you when you least expect it. Take our first night at Hlane, a beautiful game reserve in Swaziland with electricity-free, screened houses for our accommodation. The paraffin lamps added a real romance to the whole African experience. We were cooking our own dinner that night and pottering in the kitchen. I reached for what I thought was a tea-towel behind the dish rack but it was cold and scaly and moved - eek. I'd just tried to grab a snake.

It really did look like a cloth in the dark.

Unsure if it was poisonous, we sent for the guide. He arrived fresh from entertaining other guests with a traditional dance routine, resplendent in warrior skins - how appropriate!
'Not poisonous', he declared as he grabbed it by the tail, making me think it must still have a decent bite the way he held it at arms-length and avoided the head-end.
It wriggled quickly and made its escape - back through a hole in the tiles above the kitchen bench. Hmmm. I was quite glad this was our friends' house!! (Not to be out done, we found a wicked-looking black scorpion on our bag as we left our house, so the distribution of scary things was fairly even as it so happened!)

The chopping board and knife were for marinated chicken...really!

And check out the spiders!!! We found lots of these walking - I quickly learnt to walk up the back.