How To Slow Down Time

I didn't think it was possible but I stand corrected. Having just come off the Queen Mary 2, I can now share the secret of how to make 5 nights feel like 3 weeks.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time - 5 nights sailing on the world's biggest ocean liner while it was down here in the Southern Hemisphere. An opportunity not to be missed. Until we arrived and I remembered the demographic of cruises - a bit like the train we took merely months ago, again traversing this great country of ours, trapped in the confinement of another mobile aged care facility - only this one was floating.

The ship. It promised so much.

It's grand, beautiful and boring.

Now please - don't get me wrong. I am NOT ageist. I have some wonderful older friends. In fact, I spent a very pleasant afternoon just a few weeks back with a small selection of wise, interesting and funny ladies I admire deeply - one who's the same age as my mother and the other two retired for some years. So it's not just about age, I'm convinced. 

Part of the issue was the schedule being geared up for people of a certain age - line dancing, bridge for beginners, ballroom dance classes, the needle work and knitting social group, pokies, quizzes - you get the picture. The entertainment is along the same lines. In fact, Geoff and I couldn't bring ourselves to face the nightclub on our last evening for the Abba revival.

The only night we did head to G32, the hip happening 'disco' that the social host joked every night would be 'rushed' by all four guests up for that kind of a night, we were 'rushed' by two couples who'd been on the boat since Cape Town. They were about 14 nights in to their 18 night cruise to Sydney and they were, as they proclaimed, almost ready to swim to get off! They were all around sixty and rapidly sinking into despair at how long this confinement still had to go. They were not having the time of their lives. Frankly, they were bored shitless. The weather was crap, the food was English (need I say more?) and one couple's drinks bill had already hit $3,000.

                                     

                                                  The weather was like this - the whole way.

I did attend a Spin Class. Of the 2300 passengers, the instructor was delighted to have four of us turn up - it's often none or one. She was so dazzled by my enthusiasm and effort (and I have not done a spin class in years, so it was very misguided) she actually asked when I was getting off and she'd love me to come to the next one. It wasn't to be - it was after we left. The other able body in the class was a gay guy about 40 who was travelling with his mother. We had a brief chat after the class and he too had been on the ship for the entire journey and was ready to poke out his own eyes just for something to do.

It was quite depressing. Aging is crap, we all know that, it's just the alternative isn't much of an option. There was quite the selection of walking frames, sticks and wheelchairs (motorised carts for the obese, manual for the infirmed) to help the passengers shuffle around. There were also far too many socks and sandals for my liking. Geoff heard from a passenger in the know that four guests had 'popped off' between Cape Town and Perth and even revealed how they get the bodies from the cabins to the on-board mortuary. (I'll spare you the details but it is quite cunning and discreet – and it's also just too sad for the partner and family left behind to see out the rest of the trip).

On the upside, I have never - and I mean ever! - felt so young and vibrant and yes, sexy. I was noticed when I entered a room and let's face it, that wouldn't happen in normal circumstances.

So yes, it was relaxing but my god it did seem to go on for a lot longer than five nights and judging from the passengers we met who were doing 18 nights (some of these cruises can be weeks!!!) we weren't alone. So if you ever wish time would slow down, you now know how!