Therapy

I realised I needed therapy a couple of weeks ago. I was working with a photographer I'd spent a couple of days with on various jobs last year. We met in the foyer of the client's office and I asked  about his Christmas. He'd been to Europe so we chit-chatted about that for a bit. He then casually asked 'How's the family?' And that was it. I started crying. Not just damp eyes, a stray tear - full on CRYING.

And unlike me, I really struggled to pull myself together. In amongst it all, I did manage to mutter that George had died (he did know about the kids) and how unexpected it all was. Meanwhile, I was rummaging in my bag for a tissue, apologising. He was rummaging in his bag looking for a tissue, telling me there was no need to apologise. It was hideous. We both found tissues simultaneously. (I chose to use mine.) Fuck, I thought. I seriously need help.

There was no therapy after Jaz died. Not because I wasn't as sad as I am now, but perhaps we were immediately caught up and focused on George's increasing needs. Jaz died on a Friday and on the Monday, at my request, all the equipment we had - oxygen extractor, oxygen cylinders, the bi-PAP breathing machine, all her feeding equipment, drugs, wound care, incontinence products and her wheelchair were taken away. Two days later, George's wheelchair arrived. We literally lurched from the end of one journey to the beginning of another.

Now both of those journeys are over. And that's taken a bigger adjustment than I was prepared for.

I had my first session 2 weeks ago. There was no couch and no 'tell me about your childhood'. She did of course need to find out the lay of the land.
Do you believe things happen for a reason?
No.
Do you believe in an after life?
No.
Do you have any religious beliefs?
No.
How about a spirit or soul?
No... not really.

Eeek. I felt like I was failing a test.

Okay, what do you believe in?

I've always believed in nature, evolution, spontaneous mutation - all that Darwin stuff. So we had a start. But I confess, I'm really not sure.

It was almost as therapeutic discussing the session with various friends on various occasions.

Anyhow, I was supposed to spend 20 minutes a day sitting quietly outside in nature. I have done it - a bit. It is kinda good - but I've been too busy to do it every day. I have my second session this arvo so we'll see how that goes.

PS My comments are working - please do drop me one - good, bad or indifferent.