The Big Clean Out

The Australian Government is so generous. You turn 50 and you're immediately gifted a poo-testing kit and, if you're female, a mammogram as well. No card. Just a letter and a kit.

And once you're on the kit register, they just keep coming.... although you do have to fork out $35 to participate, which I think is a small price to pay to have some poor sucker test your poo and have the peace of mind that everything is running tickety-boo.

Being the eternal optimist and reminding the kids regularly that 'we don't do drama', I wasn't fazed when the GP left me a cheery message to say my poo-test was positive and he was booking me in for colonoscopy. (Know now, BTW, that my optimism was warranted - I won't wait to the end to say that!)

I know heaps of peeps who've been through this, so I suppose it was just my turn.

The lead up is not fun.

Two days prior, you can pretty much eat chicken and white rice.

I also had a call from the admissions person from the hospital who ran through all the usual questions of my medical history. When I asked what time I could be picked up from the hospital, she said it would depend on how I was feeling. Violated? I proffered... she did laugh. (I actually stole that from Geoff's brother who's also been through this.)

One day prior, after a couple of slices of white bread toast, you get to eat NOTHING!!! I am not good at not eating. I love food. And on the evening prior, you get to drink the 'preparation.'

I had purchased the sachets of powder at the chemist and even the girl behind the counter couldn't help make gags like Don't make any plans after you've taken this!!

I drank all three sachets at the hourly intervals as instructed and a couple of hours after that - O...M...G!!!

Geoff's tip was track pants and no undies. I went with the first and not the second.

The response is urgent and liquid and the risk of sharting (a fart where you 'follow through'... you can work it out...) immense.

I fell into bed about 11, only to be woken by severe stomach cramps about 1am. Again, I poised myself on the loo. By this stage I was dehydrated beyond belief (you were supposed to drink water between sachets but they made me feel so sick I didn't) and in grave danger of passing out. It was freezing but I was sweating and clammy. Death was looking attractive. I was in so much pain I started weeping - I hadn't felt this wretched since giving birth. I couldn't even stand up to reach a towel or the bathmat to lie on the floor I was so weak. On and on it went....

Sometime later, I floated out of the bathroom, a mere shadow of my former self, and collapsed into bed.

The alarm went off early. I was due at the hospital at 7.15. The actual process and procedure were fine as you're under a general anaesthetic so one minute you're chatting and a moment later you're being woken up in recovery.

I mentioned to the doctor my violent reaction to the preparation product. That doesn't sound right, he said, next time, try the orange flavoured one.

That's next year so I'll let you know if that helps. I can hardly wait!

Locked In The Loo

I have a bit of a toilet thing going on, don't I? It's not deliberate I promise.

Being locked in the loo came up when we were out the other night. I've been locked in twice. Once back in the 80s (ie no mobile phone) I was living in London in a flat that was one of three in a converted house. It was a Friday afternoon and my flat mate was heading to the Isle of Wight after work for the weekend, due back Sunday around 10pm. So when the handle came off the door I was more than mildly panicked.

Our flat was upstairs and the bathroom was in the middle of this rock-solid brick building - not a window and only solid walls to bang and wail against.  I decided I could sleep in the bath, I had water and a loo of course, just as long as I didn't die of boredom, I would survive.

Two hours later, legs shaved, brows plucked and nails filed, I suddenly heard a loo flush downstairs. I yelled down the basin drain 'Heeeeelp!' and heard Deb from downstairs call that she had a spare key and would be up in a jiffy. Phew!!!

The second time wasn't nearly as dramatic. The exact opposite in fact. A freestanding structure within easy yelling distance from the open air reserurant Geoff and the kids were sitting at in Laos. The door, held secure with wire, became jammed. I simply popped my head through the two foot gap between the wall and the roof and politely called for someone to get me out. Naturally it was our guide who obliged - everyone else was too busy laughing.

But it did remind me of a client Christmas party. The ad agency I was working for at the time was famous for its parties and this was no exception. The venue was so fancy and the bathroom so dark you pretty much had to feel your way in.  (What is with that direct correlation between venue coolness and lack of lights in the bathroom??) Added to the degree of difficulty was wall to ceiling curved cubicle doors. Perhaps not the biggest challenge in day light and before 25 vodkas - but seemingly impossible at an ad agency bash.

This is the actual venue and the toilet doors are just like this...
although this isn't the bathroom, there's far too much light

I was chatting to a colleague on the in to said amenity (we were sober, as good hosts should be) when a guy hanging about stopped me.
'I've just had a call from my colleague,' he explained, waving his mobile. 'She's stuck in the loo - the middle one. She's been calling out but no one can hear her.'

I could hear sobbing, whimpering and relief when I called through the door. But I managed to coach her through it...
'Undo the lock... yes, turn it right... okay... stand back... I'm going to push the door.' It opened with ease. I have always suspected the curve got her (and the 28 vodkas) and she'd probably spent all that time trying to push the door open.... instead of pulling.

Out she spilled, all running mascara, snot and gratitude. You'd think I'd saved her from a burning train wreck! She said she loved me. At least ten times.

I have one more - a friend of a friend  - but I'll save that for next time!

So, have you been locked in a loo? Does everyone have a 'locked in the loo' story?