Okay, so I have fired my therapist. Maybe that's too dramatic. Let me try again. My therapist and I have parted company. I did give that nature thing a red hot go and I even turned up for the second session where I felt somewhat criticised for my steadfast (her word was 'ridgid') lack of belief. Hmmm.
Moving on from nature, part two was meant to involve my study of Quantum Physics. Now listen here people, I do not write under the name Mother Who Works because I spend my days sitting around watching daytime TV!!! I am very, very busy and I'm sure Quantum Physics is fascinating and I'll look forward to looking into that ....when I retire. Which given my financial commitments will be no time soon.
So I sent her what I hoped was a nice note and she eventually responded with an equally nice response.
Phew.
But having wriggled out of that, I still didn't have a solution to my 'issue'. (Did you like that? 'Issue'. It looks so insignificant doesn't it?) I needed a Plan B, and it arrived in the post in the form of the newsletter that I receive monthly from the Children's Hospital - specifically, the Bereaved Parents Support Group.
I'd never seriously contemplated turning up to one of their meetings as even reading the news letters made me cry - every time, every month, for nearly four years. Why would I subject myself to the amplified exposure of actually being there in person? It was bad enough reading about it in the privacy of my own home. But this time it seemed a bit different. There was no newsletter, just an invitation to the next meeting which sounded more casual, with no guest speaker, a bit of a looser start to the year's program. I decided to go. And it was good.
It was kinda hard to take seriously at the start as we all sat in a circle of stackable chairs with strategically placed boxes of tissues under every third or fourth one. It seriously looked like a set for a sitcom. But it became very serious as each person introduced themselves and relayed the story of how their child died. Oh my god. It was so sad. There was lots of weeping - me mostly - but we all soldiered on. And it was like I had finally found my tribe. We laughed, we cried, it was an emotional roller coaster. But these people were so honest and frank and raw and articulating things I've been thinking, talking about their contradictions in expectations of other people, about all the awkward situations they find themselves in - all the same as me!!!
I can see the benefit of group therapy - to be amongst people who are in such similar circumstances is extremely comforting. I don't think I'm crazy after all. The room was filled with understanding, appreciation, tolerance and empathy. I was so appreciative that I wanted to suggest a group hug! (You'll be pleased to know I didn't spoil what had been a very productive evening!)
I think I'll go next month too.
